Replaceable

“I can just have children with someone else”

“Wouldn’t it be crazy if we parted ways, I have children with someone else and then we get back together”

“Maybe it’s a good thing I’m with someone else now to have kids and we can be together in the future”.

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Kryptonite

At 31, I was single and alone. I had broken up with my boyfriend and shortly after I also ditched Mr. Seduction. I didn’t need relationship drama when I wasn’t even in a relationship. So I minded my own business, trying to figure out what to do next with my life, when I met Mr. Kryptonite on Facebook. He sent me a friend request, he looked decent, so I accepted.

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From BunnyYogaJourney to PathToSelfDiscovery

I started this blog as BunnyYogaJourney in 2016 to type down the extra feelings I had. Writing became my way to cope with everything I was going through. Whenever life felt too heavy, yoga brought clarity, and written words were like a sigh in savasana. Through my practice, I began unfolding layers of myself I never knew existed. I needed a space to express those feelings, to let them be heard without judgment, especially because I was the on judging myself the hardest. I named it BunnyYogaJourney because my partner at that time called me Bunny, and everything I was expressing came from what my yoga journey was awakening in me.

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Yoga Foundation

Ever since my first yoga class, yoga has been a huge part of my life. It reeked with benefits. It started with calming my mind through asana practice, but it also kept my body was moving, flexible and alive. I’ve always been someone who lives inside her head. My thoughts were louder than my voice, my ideas greater than my actions. I lived more in the past and the future than in the present. And maybe I still do sometimes. But yoga taught me something beautiful, how to quiet my mind through flow, and how to balance through focus. My mind felt clearer, my body lighter, and suddenly there was more space to express myself. My life became all about yoga, I practiced in class, at home, on the street, just about everywhere. I celebrated this new epiphany and wanted to share it with the world.

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Mr. Seduction

I’ll call the first one Mr. Seduction, because that’s exactly what he was: SEDUCTIVE! He was one perfectly sculpted man, the BBB type: Black, Bald and Bearded. And those eyes … those were always undressing me from the moment we met. I met this man in my first year in college. He was a very handsome man. I didn’t have a crush on him, not in a romantic sense. But every time our eyes met, it was as if he was touching me without ever laying a hand on me. His gaze sent chills down my spine, straight into places I didn’t expect. When he looked at me, I felt exposed, like he could see every inch of me, even the parts I wasn’t showing and the thoughts I wasn’t speaking.

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Selfishly selfless?

After months of trying to stay afloat in the relationship, I finally decided to end it. I had been miserable for so long, drowning in sadness I couldn’t seem to escape. My partner didn’t know how to deal with my pain, and honestly, I couldn’t blame him — even I didn’t know how to handle it myself. Somewhere along the way, I became selfish. Everything revolved around my pain. Every action, every word, I justified by how much I was hurting. I didn’t care how anyone else felt; all I cared about was numbing the ache that lived inside me. And I knew everyone around me was feeling it with me, but not for me.

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Good girl gone bad

Sometimes, when your world falls apart, you’re left with only two choices: succumb to the pain or rebel against it. We had just poured the foundation for our dream home. I could already picture it: a house filled with love, laughter, and the chaos of raising four kids. Yes, I wanted four kids. But all those dreams came crashing down in that one doctor’s visit.

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Blocked fallopian tubes

It all started on January 26, 2016, a date forever etched in my memory. That was the day my dreams, as I knew them, ended and my life, as it is now, began. The morning was quiet, unassuming, but significant in a way I couldn’t have imagined. My partner and I had been undergoing treatment to get pregnant for months. It had been a journey of hope, fear, and countless appointments. That day, I was scheduled for a procedure to check if my fallopian tubes were open.

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10 year mourning anniversary

The days leading up to tomorrow have been hard, emotionally hard. I’ve been trying to stay afloat, to keep it all together, because life goes on. I wake up in the mornings and go to work, a job I genuinely enjoy going back to. I do the dishes, the laundry, and try my utmost best to manage the household I share with a wonderful husband. I feed Chubby, my sourdough starter, who is both spoiled and stubborn. I keep myself busy, learning new things, creating, doing my best to fill the void. But the harder I try not to think about it, the tears are always just a thought away.

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Power of Control

I often find myself frustrated over things that are not going my way, or the way I thought or expected it to. Some things are just taking too long, some people are just not cooperating, for some reason once again I feel like I’m stuck and whatever I try to do, I just can’t seem to change the current situation. I notice how I start feeling stressed and upset, impatient and start to be unkind not only towards others but also myself. Then it feels like the tip of my nose is almost reaching a very big wall (I’m saying almost because my belly touched the wall first LOL) and I can’t move past this wall, I can only move sideways. And I also do that for some time because maybe I will come across an opening.

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