Somewhat 5 years ago I did a 10-day Vipassana meditation course. I have shared about this before in my blog “I am love” https://bunnyyogajourney.com/2019/04/11/i-am-love/#more-368 and I have lived by this ever since. What I did not share back then was what the course did for me in that moment. Probably because it was still too raw for me to share. I’ll see if I’m ready now…
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My boyfriend, (yes I have boyfriend now, I mean manfriend, since he’s not a boy anymore and I’m not a girl, so with that saying I’m his woman and yes I’m flaunting now, because why not, but right focus Sjefi! I haven’t shared much on my blog lately so I felt like I had to introduce him, but yeah I will continue this blog soon enough, as if right now)
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Having another episode of one of those seasons of a reality check called depression. Well let’s start on the bright side. Me writing this is me noticing it and looking it damn straight in the eye, saying ‘You sneaky little piece of the worst version of an unwelcome guest! I see you and I’ll treat you…’
Continue readingUntil Tuesday I had a cousin, a cousin who was born as my aunt her son, his big sister’s brother and one of my grandmother’s grandson. He was born the cutest little baby boy we called Jerome as kids. He was years younger so I remember my older cousin babysitting and my earliest memory of us was my cousin changing his diaper. I also remember doing homework with him and his sister, which I of course had no patience doing. But childhood memories are priceless.
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When I suddenly had to come back home after two years, I knew this was going to be a hard one. I was ready to come back home, but not so ready to actually be home. I knew that I had changed but maybe a lot of what I had left behind had stayed the same. I knew that even though quite impossible, I had to pick back up right where I left off. After a month I still felt restless, like I still hadn’t arrived, so I decided to book a trip to Voltzberg/Raleighvallen, because maybe I had to wash away the beach and the sea with Amazonian fresh water from a sula.
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It’s very unfortunate that my favorite color is red, because guess what! As soon as I see something red, I have to have it. A red bag, a red wallet, a red notebook, a red shoe, a red blouse. You name it, red flags, well of course, gotta have those too. Well because red is just not easy for me to resist. But I’ve slowly come to realize that not all red is a must have. Not the dress that doesn’t compliment you, not the shoe that hurts your soles, not the bikini that doesn’t fit you and especially not the red flags that are meant to be steered clear from.
In my short single life I’ve been involved with men I knew from the start that maybe, just maybe they were a bad idea. But for some reason, I like them bad bad bad bad boys, they make me feel so good (Okay, I’m just singing now). I just constantly fall for them, even when they proudly wave their red flags. My mind goes like … Oe red things, gotta have that. Until you realize a pattern of red flags in counting and then you go … What the actual freaking fuck is this, Universe?
Alas my dear, not all reds are must haves. You don’t drive through red lights do you? Even if the color is pretty. Sigh, it took me long enough to resist what will not serve you in even the near future. You don’t have to try out all things (in this case, read men) that come your way which look tempted to touch. Sometimes, often enough, that dress looks better on the mannequin than on your body and sometimes, maybe that beautiful red shoe will hurt your feet even if it looks good on you. So yeah, carry on my love and proudly say no more yes to red flags. Until we meet again …
I will never find another lover sweeter than you, sweeter than you
And I will never find another lover more precious than you, more precious than you
These are the first words to the song we have called our song for all of our existence as a couple. He decided on the day that he confessed his love for me that this was going to be our song. And it was, we danced to it every time it came on and it has always felt like that very first time on February 15th, 2002. Until I decided to leave him in November 2018, which I didn’t do without the achiest ache in my beautiful heart.
We already had a two year break up on record, so at first it looked like maybe this was just history repeating itself, but no this time it felt different. This time I wanted to want to stay so much, I wanted to love him so much, I wanted to be loved so much. And I tried, we tried, but every single energy in my body was urging me to leave. It was awful to be wanting to want to stay, but not wanting to. It was like my mind, body and soul were unaligned. And as much as I tried to align my soul to my mind and body, this time was one time to many.
I left with no reason I could possibly explain to anyone, because how do you leave someone you have been with half your life who you still dearly love? One does not do that, whatever reason it is that you want to leave, if you still love that person, you work through it. But my stubborn soul was eating away from the inside the longer I stayed. My infertility did start to have something to do with it. And as much I want to understandably explain myself, I really just couldn’t and still can’t. It’s like I had to choose between loving him and loving me. For me, loving him, I wanted to stay, but it hurt me and not hurting meant leaving.
In the two years ever since, I have come to find that you can love someone from a distance. That sometimes the best way to love someone is letting them go. I used to hope that someday we would find our way back to each other, but now I just hope he finds his way with or without me and so do I. I have never regretted a single moment with him. If any I’m not sad it’s over, I’m just happy we had the chance to happen twice.
I will never find another lover sweeter than you, sweeter than you
And I will never find another lover more precious than you, more precious than you
But I do hope someday I will …
So, I had met him once and as crazy adventurous as I was, I had decided on an overnight road trip as a second date. My cousins begged me not to go, they almost couldn’t sleep and I was being lectured how crazy stupid I was. They were happy I started dating, but didn’t expect me to make such stupid decisions like go on a road trip with someone I’ve only met once. But this guy seemed harmless. He was a whole tad bit older than I am, so what harm could he possibly do and he was so charming. Yeah I was lucky he was harmlessly charming.
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“Can you please come over? So we can continue what we started. I promise you dessert this time around”. I had complained that my menu hasn’t been completed the week before and he had said that the night was not finished. In my head I was also thinking what the hell I was doing. This guy was 26 years old, what was I even thinking. So of course I had to make a scene and asked him what it is that we were doing. And he simply answered, “what is it that you want? I have no problem with it that you are older than me, I like you and I’m sure you will like the things I wanna do to you.”
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I feel like I have spent the past seven years grieving. Grieving loved ones who have past away, grieving my unfertilized children I probably will never meet and grieving a life I left behind. And after seven years I’ve come to reach a point that maybe after this long, it has been long enough. I mean, I will for sure never forget the moments I have had with my late niece. By now I have let go of what life would be like if she was still with us. As she has been gone longer than she has been with us, I will always cherish the years we had with her. Forever little and full of faith. Grieving loved ones hasn’t been easy and I’m sure it will never be quite over. And maybe it’s okay like that. To remember them once in a while and honor the time they have spend with us. Think back with a tear and a smile.
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It was five months ago when I had my last kiss (keeping it rated here okay), so it was about time we did something about that. I felt all tickly down there and although I have helped and catered to myself quite good in these past months, I was ready to be taken care of and catered to. So, yeah, I once again logged into Tinder. I liked the swiping on this platform. (In Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” melody) To the left, to the left, everything you don’t like, swipe to the left. And everything that looks right, swipe to the right.
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Path To Self Discovery 