No more yes to red flags

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It’s very unfortunate that my favorite color is red, because guess what! As soon as I see something red, I have to have it. A red bag, a red wallet, a red notebook, a red shoe, a red blouse. You name it, red flags, well of course, gotta have those too. Well because red is just not easy for me to resist. But I’ve slowly come to realize that not all red is a must have. Not the dress that doesn’t compliment you, not the shoe that hurts your soles, not the bikini that doesn’t fit you and especially not the red flags that are meant to be steered clear from.

In my short single life I’ve been involved with men I knew from the start that maybe, just maybe they were a bad idea. But for some reason, I like them bad bad bad bad boys, they make me feel so good (Okay, I’m just singing now). I just constantly fall for them, even when they proudly wave their red flags. My mind goes like … Oe red things, gotta have that. Until you realize a pattern of red flags in counting and then you go … What the actual freaking fuck is this, Universe?

Alas my dear, not all reds are must haves. You don’t drive through red lights do you? Even if the color is pretty. Sigh, it took me long enough to resist what will not serve you in even the near future. You don’t have to try out all things (in this case, read men) that come your way which look tempted to touch. Sometimes, often enough, that dress looks better on the mannequin than on your body and sometimes, maybe that beautiful red shoe will hurt your feet even if it looks good on you. So yeah, carry on my love and proudly say no more yes to red flags. Until we meet again …

All my life

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I will never find another lover sweeter than you, sweeter than you

And I will never find another lover more precious than you, more precious than you

These are the first words to the song we have called our song for all of our existence as a couple. He decided on the day that he confessed his love for me that this was going to be our song. And it was, we danced to it every time it came on and it has always felt like that very first time on February 15th, 2002. Until I decided to leave him in November 2018, which I didn’t do without the achiest ache in my beautiful heart.

We already had a two year break up on record, so at first it looked like maybe this was just history repeating itself, but no this time it felt different. This time I wanted to want to stay so much, I wanted to love him so much, I wanted to be loved so much. And I tried, we tried, but every single energy in my body was urging me to leave. It was awful to be wanting to want to stay, but not wanting to. It was like my mind, body and soul were unaligned. And as much as I tried to align my soul to my mind and body, this time was one time to many.

I left with no reason I could possibly explain to anyone, because how do you leave someone you have been with half your life who you still dearly love? One does not do that, whatever reason it is that you want to leave, if you still love that person, you work through it. But my stubborn soul was eating away from the inside the longer I stayed. My infertility did start to have something to do with it. And as much I want to understandably explain myself, I really just couldn’t and still can’t. It’s like I had to choose between loving him and loving me. For me, loving him, I wanted to stay, but it hurt me and not hurting meant leaving.

In the two years ever since, I have come to find that you can love someone from a distance. That sometimes the best way to love someone is letting them go. I used to hope that someday we would find our way back to each other, but now I just hope he finds his way with or without me and so do I. I have never regretted a single moment with him. If any I’m not sad it’s over, I’m just happy we had the chance to happen twice.

I will never find another lover sweeter than you, sweeter than you

And I will never find another lover more precious than you, more precious than you

But I do hope someday I will …

Road trips

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So, I had met him once and as crazy adventurous as I was, I had decided on an overnight road trip as a second date. My cousins begged me not to go, they almost couldn’t sleep and I was being lectured how crazy stupid I was. They were happy I started dating, but didn’t expect me to make such stupid decisions like go on a road trip with someone I’ve only met once. But this guy seemed harmless. He was a whole tad bit older than I am, so what harm could he possibly do and he was so charming. Yeah I was lucky he was harmlessly charming.

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Dessert

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“Can you please come over? So we can continue what we started. I promise you dessert this time around”. I had complained that my menu hasn’t been completed the week before and he had said that the night was not finished. In my head I was also thinking what the hell I was doing. This guy was 26 years old, what was I even thinking. So of course I had to make a scene and asked him what it is that we were doing. And he simply answered, “what is it that you want? I have no problem with it that you are older than me, I like you and I’m sure you will like the things I wanna do to you.”

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Grieving 1 2 3

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I feel like I have spent the past seven years grieving. Grieving loved ones who have past away, grieving my unfertilized children I probably will never meet and grieving a life I left behind. And after seven years I’ve come to reach a point that maybe after this long, it has been long enough. I mean, I will for sure never forget the moments I have had with my late niece. By now I have let go of what life would be like if she was still with us. As she has been gone longer than she has been with us, I will always cherish the years we had with her. Forever little and full of faith. Grieving loved ones hasn’t been easy and I’m sure it will never be quite over. And maybe it’s okay like that. To remember them once in a while and honor the time they have spend with us. Think back with a tear and a smile.

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The Columbian Chef

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It was five months ago when I had my last kiss (keeping it rated here okay), so it was about time we did something about that. I felt all tickly down there and although I have helped and catered to myself quite good in these past months, I was ready to be taken care of and catered to. So, yeah, I once again logged into Tinder. I liked the swiping on this platform. (In Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” melody) To the left, to the left, everything you don’t like, swipe to the left. And everything that looks right, swipe to the right.

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My First Date

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I’m calling this my first date, because I have never been on a date with someone I’ve never met before. Sure I’ve been on dates with my ex boyfriend while we were in a committed relationship, but this dating someone I’ve never even met before was new to me, so yes, this will be my first date. I had met him on Facebook, cause what do you know, you can meet people on Facebook (I stopped doing that though). That day I was working a late night at the office when I got a friend request. I accepted based on his profile picture and the fact that he has worked for one of the companies I had once worked for. So, it turned out we had worked for the same company but not at the same time. After a nice chat, I got myself a date. How the hell that happened, I don’t even know anymore.

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To love and let go

I was one week back on this Island, almost two weeks into the new year. Work was not really busy so I finally had some time to do some reading, writing, movies and go to the beach. But it was the rainy season with lots of wind, so hanging by the beach for too long left me with a cold stomach and I had the flu. So what’s left to do was reading and writing, which I had done a lot of that weekend. I picked up reading ‘To love and let go’ from Yoga Girl Rachel Brathen and jeez I couldn’t have picked a better time to read this book (*sarcastically). Continue reading →

Red ink on yellow paper

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It all started around the same time last year. A mindful meditation upon a full moon. “Pen all your wishes with red ink on yellow paper,” one of my yogini sisters dared us to do, “and meditate upon it on the coming full moon. But be careful what you wish for, `cause you just might get it all and then some you don’t want.” And just like that the lyrics of Chris Daughtry, ‘I’m going home’ were stuck in my head. 
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What if you and I, were I and I?

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I turned the keys to my apartment as I got home and turned on the lights. The house was a mess. I hadn’t gotten time to tidy up the place for the past days. Clothes were on the kitchen table and on the chair. Documents were all over the living room / kitchen. As soon as I locked the door and the 3 windows, I turned the lights back off. It was a fairly beautiful night to deal with all that mess, the moon was out. The moon, which I smiled at before I came in, a story I will someday share.

As I entered the bedroom and locked the door behind me, the one place I promised myself to keep neat at all times, I laid down on the bed and started texting a friend. Everyday I had another friend or family member either texting or calling. I haven’t really felt alone since I was alone, because of them surrounding me, I was blessed. But as I was speaking to this friend, I desperately was eager to enjoy my own company. This was new, since the relocation, this was the first time I actually mindfully wanted to choose to be alone.

I smiled and excused myself, because I had a more important meeting … a meeting with myself. How rare is this feeling? I decided to take a hot shower and write. After so long, I wanted to write. It probably wasn’t gonna be the book I was wanting to start on, but I was so happy I actually wanted to write again. So I put on some music and as I’m writing this I’m listening to Celine Dion, Because You Loved Me and I couldn’t help but think, “Because I loved me”. As I listened to this song while writing this I replaced all the you’s with I and the song had a whole new meaning.

Really if you have time, put on this song and replace every “you” with “I”. Without being aware of it, I was practicing this for a while. “I am everything I am, because I loved me.” We often search for things outside of us, even love, while all the while everything we are searching for is right here, within us. Relocating got me worried about being all alone in a foreign place, with foreign people. But you know what, I met me. I met a whole different me and she was so interesting, everyday I get more eager to spend time with her.

So all worries aside, I am more me than I have ever been me … As I’m listening to “I Wanna Know” by “Joe” I have this tendency to replace every “you” with “I”. So yes, try it, replace every “you” with “I” and see what happens.

I am love

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It was the last day of this wonderful journey within me I’d just taken. I was more nervous than ever to turn back home, to what was supposed to be the old and familiar. After sharing ten days of complete silence with total strangers, this environment felt more familiar and safe than the one I knew before this. I could feel my feelings bubbling up as the time to go home neared. Everyone was eager to go home so it seemed, except for me. But this was the real test! This was going to be the actual practice … In real life. Continue reading →