“Imagine this pinch in your stomach, deep where your ovaries are. Mostly on the left side, sometimes on the right. It feels like my eggs are desperately trying to escape, but they can’t. Each attempt brings a sharp, pinching pain, often accompanied by a fever that lasts through the night.”
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Sometimes, when your world falls apart, you’re left with only two choices: succumb to the pain or rebel against it. We had just poured the foundation for our dream home. I could already picture it: a house filled with love, laughter, and the chaos of raising four kids. Yes, I wanted four kids. But all those dreams came crashing down in that one doctor’s visit.
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The HSG Procedure: My Personal Experience
The procedure itself was straightforward but life-changing. It took place in my gynecologist’s examination office and lasted roughly an hour, though it felt much longer. Here’s what happens during an HSG:
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It all started on January 26, 2016, a date forever etched in my memory. That was the day my dreams, as I knew them, ended and my life, as it is now, began. The morning was quiet, unassuming, but significant in a way I couldn’t have imagined. My partner and I had been undergoing treatment to get pregnant for months. It had been a journey of hope, fear, and countless appointments. That day, I was scheduled for a procedure to check if my fallopian tubes were open.
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The days leading up to tomorrow have been hard, emotionally hard. I’ve been trying to stay afloat, to keep it all together, because life goes on. I wake up in the mornings and go to work, a job I genuinely enjoy going back to. I do the dishes, the laundry, and try my utmost best to manage the household I share with a wonderful husband. I feed Chubby, my sourdough starter, who is both spoiled and stubborn. I keep myself busy, learning new things, creating, doing my best to fill the void. But the harder I try not to think about it, the tears are always just a thought away.
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I will never find another lover sweeter than you, sweeter than you
And I will never find another lover more precious than you, more precious than you
These are the first words to the song we have called our song for all of our existence as a couple. He decided on the day that he confessed his love for me that this was going to be our song. And it was, we danced to it every time it came on and it has always felt like that very first time on February 15th, 2002. Until I decided to leave him in November 2018, which I didn’t do without the achiest ache in my beautiful heart.
We already had a two year break up on record, so at first it looked like maybe this was just history repeating itself, but no this time it felt different. This time I wanted to want to stay so much, I wanted to love him so much, I wanted to be loved so much. And I tried, we tried, but every single energy in my body was urging me to leave. It was awful to be wanting to want to stay, but not wanting to. It was like my mind, body and soul were unaligned. And as much as I tried to align my soul to my mind and body, this time was one time to many.
I left with no reason I could possibly explain to anyone, because how do you leave someone you have been with half your life who you still dearly love? One does not do that, whatever reason it is that you want to leave, if you still love that person, you work through it. But my stubborn soul was eating away from the inside the longer I stayed. My infertility did start to have something to do with it. And as much I want to understandably explain myself, I really just couldn’t and still can’t. It’s like I had to choose between loving him and loving me. For me, loving him, I wanted to stay, but it hurt me and not hurting meant leaving.
In the two years ever since, I have come to find that you can love someone from a distance. That sometimes the best way to love someone is letting them go. I used to hope that someday we would find our way back to each other, but now I just hope he finds his way with or without me and so do I. I have never regretted a single moment with him. If any I’m not sad it’s over, I’m just happy we had the chance to happen twice.
I will never find another lover sweeter than you, sweeter than you
And I will never find another lover more precious than you, more precious than you
But I do hope someday I will …
I feel like I have spent the past seven years grieving. Grieving loved ones who have past away, grieving my unfertilized children I probably will never meet and grieving a life I left behind. And after seven years I’ve come to reach a point that maybe after this long, it has been long enough. I mean, I will for sure never forget the moments I have had with my late niece. By now I have let go of what life would be like if she was still with us. As she has been gone longer than she has been with us, I will always cherish the years we had with her. Forever little and full of faith. Grieving loved ones hasn’t been easy and I’m sure it will never be quite over. And maybe it’s okay like that. To remember them once in a while and honor the time they have spend with us. Think back with a tear and a smile.
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Daar sta ik dan voor de poort van kindertehuis Campagne. Niet wetende wat me te wachten staat. Continue reading
26 Januari 2015, een dag die mij voor altijd bij zal blijven, omdat ik er op deze dag het grote nieuws te horen kreeg die ik totaal niet had verwacht. Continue reading
Terwijl ik lig te scrollen op facebook, zie ik allemaal pasgeboren babies oppoppen op mijn tijdlijn. Continue reading
About two weeks ago I turned 29. And as always, days before my birthday I started to reflect on my life as to what is and what I had expected it to be. Continue reading
Path To Self Discovery 