It all started on January 26, 2016, a date forever etched in my memory. That was the day my dreams, as I knew them, ended and my life, as it is now, began. The morning was quiet, unassuming, but significant in a way I couldn’t have imagined. My partner and I had been undergoing treatment to get pregnant for months. It had been a journey of hope, fear, and countless appointments. That day, I was scheduled for a procedure to check if my fallopian tubes were open.
Continue reading
The days leading up to tomorrow have been hard, emotionally hard. I’ve been trying to stay afloat, to keep it all together, because life goes on. I wake up in the mornings and go to work, a job I genuinely enjoy going back to. I do the dishes, the laundry, and try my utmost best to manage the household I share with a wonderful husband. I feed Chubby, my sourdough starter, who is both spoiled and stubborn. I keep myself busy, learning new things, creating, doing my best to fill the void. But the harder I try not to think about it, the tears are always just a thought away.
Continue reading
My boyfriend, (yes I have boyfriend now, I mean manfriend, since he’s not a boy anymore and I’m not a girl, so with that saying I’m his woman and yes I’m flaunting now, because why not, but right focus Sjefi! I haven’t shared much on my blog lately so I felt like I had to introduce him, but yeah I will continue this blog soon enough, as if right now)
Continue reading
Having another episode of one of those seasons of a reality check called depression. Well let’s start on the bright side. Me writing this is me noticing it and looking it damn straight in the eye, saying ‘You sneaky little piece of the worst version of an unwelcome guest! I see you and I’ll treat you…’
Continue reading
I will never find another lover sweeter than you, sweeter than you
And I will never find another lover more precious than you, more precious than you
These are the first words to the song we have called our song for all of our existence as a couple. He decided on the day that he confessed his love for me that this was going to be our song. And it was, we danced to it every time it came on and it has always felt like that very first time on February 15th, 2002. Until I decided to leave him in November 2018, which I didn’t do without the achiest ache in my beautiful heart.
We already had a two year break up on record, so at first it looked like maybe this was just history repeating itself, but no this time it felt different. This time I wanted to want to stay so much, I wanted to love him so much, I wanted to be loved so much. And I tried, we tried, but every single energy in my body was urging me to leave. It was awful to be wanting to want to stay, but not wanting to. It was like my mind, body and soul were unaligned. And as much as I tried to align my soul to my mind and body, this time was one time to many.
I left with no reason I could possibly explain to anyone, because how do you leave someone you have been with half your life who you still dearly love? One does not do that, whatever reason it is that you want to leave, if you still love that person, you work through it. But my stubborn soul was eating away from the inside the longer I stayed. My infertility did start to have something to do with it. And as much I want to understandably explain myself, I really just couldn’t and still can’t. It’s like I had to choose between loving him and loving me. For me, loving him, I wanted to stay, but it hurt me and not hurting meant leaving.
In the two years ever since, I have come to find that you can love someone from a distance. That sometimes the best way to love someone is letting them go. I used to hope that someday we would find our way back to each other, but now I just hope he finds his way with or without me and so do I. I have never regretted a single moment with him. If any I’m not sad it’s over, I’m just happy we had the chance to happen twice.
I will never find another lover sweeter than you, sweeter than you
And I will never find another lover more precious than you, more precious than you
But I do hope someday I will …
So, I had met him once and as crazy adventurous as I was, I had decided on an overnight road trip as a second date. My cousins begged me not to go, they almost couldn’t sleep and I was being lectured how crazy stupid I was. They were happy I started dating, but didn’t expect me to make such stupid decisions like go on a road trip with someone I’ve only met once. But this guy seemed harmless. He was a whole tad bit older than I am, so what harm could he possibly do and he was so charming. Yeah I was lucky he was harmlessly charming.
Continue reading
I feel like I have spent the past seven years grieving. Grieving loved ones who have past away, grieving my unfertilized children I probably will never meet and grieving a life I left behind. And after seven years I’ve come to reach a point that maybe after this long, it has been long enough. I mean, I will for sure never forget the moments I have had with my late niece. By now I have let go of what life would be like if she was still with us. As she has been gone longer than she has been with us, I will always cherish the years we had with her. Forever little and full of faith. Grieving loved ones hasn’t been easy and I’m sure it will never be quite over. And maybe it’s okay like that. To remember them once in a while and honor the time they have spend with us. Think back with a tear and a smile.
Continue reading
It was five months ago when I had my last kiss (keeping it rated here okay), so it was about time we did something about that. I felt all tickly down there and although I have helped and catered to myself quite good in these past months, I was ready to be taken care of and catered to. So, yeah, I once again logged into Tinder. I liked the swiping on this platform. (In Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” melody) To the left, to the left, everything you don’t like, swipe to the left. And everything that looks right, swipe to the right.
Continue reading
I’m calling this my first date, because I have never been on a date with someone I’ve never met before. Sure I’ve been on dates with my ex boyfriend while we were in a committed relationship, but this dating someone I’ve never even met before was new to me, so yes, this will be my first date. I had met him on Facebook, cause what do you know, you can meet people on Facebook (I stopped doing that though). That day I was working a late night at the office when I got a friend request. I accepted based on his profile picture and the fact that he has worked for one of the companies I had once worked for. So, it turned out we had worked for the same company but not at the same time. After a nice chat, I got myself a date. How the hell that happened, I don’t even know anymore.
Continue reading
It all started around the same time last year. A mindful meditation upon a full moon. “Pen all your wishes with red ink on yellow paper,” one of my yogini sisters dared us to do, “and meditate upon it on the coming full moon. But be careful what you wish for, `cause you just might get it all and then some you don’t want.” And just like that the lyrics of Chris Daughtry, ‘I’m going home’ were stuck in my head.
Continue reading
I turned the keys to my apartment as I got home and turned on the lights. The house was a mess. I hadn’t gotten time to tidy up the place for the past days. Clothes were on the kitchen table and on the chair. Documents were all over the living room / kitchen. As soon as I locked the door and the 3 windows, I turned the lights back off. It was a fairly beautiful night to deal with all that mess, the moon was out. The moon, which I smiled at before I came in, a story I will someday share.
As I entered the bedroom and locked the door behind me, the one place I promised myself to keep neat at all times, I laid down on the bed and started texting a friend. Everyday I had another friend or family member either texting or calling. I haven’t really felt alone since I was alone, because of them surrounding me, I was blessed. But as I was speaking to this friend, I desperately was eager to enjoy my own company. This was new, since the relocation, this was the first time I actually mindfully wanted to choose to be alone.
I smiled and excused myself, because I had a more important meeting … a meeting with myself. How rare is this feeling? I decided to take a hot shower and write. After so long, I wanted to write. It probably wasn’t gonna be the book I was wanting to start on, but I was so happy I actually wanted to write again. So I put on some music and as I’m writing this I’m listening to Celine Dion, Because You Loved Me and I couldn’t help but think, “Because I loved me”. As I listened to this song while writing this I replaced all the you’s with I and the song had a whole new meaning.
Really if you have time, put on this song and replace every “you” with “I”. Without being aware of it, I was practicing this for a while. “I am everything I am, because I loved me.” We often search for things outside of us, even love, while all the while everything we are searching for is right here, within us. Relocating got me worried about being all alone in a foreign place, with foreign people. But you know what, I met me. I met a whole different me and she was so interesting, everyday I get more eager to spend time with her.
So all worries aside, I am more me than I have ever been me … As I’m listening to “I Wanna Know” by “Joe” I have this tendency to replace every “you” with “I”. So yes, try it, replace every “you” with “I” and see what happens.
It was the last day of this wonderful journey within me I’d just taken. I was more nervous than ever to turn back home, to what was supposed to be the old and familiar. After sharing ten days of complete silence with total strangers, this environment felt more familiar and safe than the one I knew before this. I could feel my feelings bubbling up as the time to go home neared. Everyone was eager to go home so it seemed, except for me. But this was the real test! This was going to be the actual practice … In real life. Continue reading
Path To Self Discovery 