“Imagine this pinch in your stomach, deep where your ovaries are. Mostly on the left side, sometimes on the right. It feels like my eggs are desperately trying to escape, but they can’t. Each attempt brings a sharp, pinching pain, often accompanied by a fever that lasts through the night.”
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The HSG Procedure: My Personal Experience
The procedure itself was straightforward but life-changing. It took place in my gynecologist’s examination office and lasted roughly an hour, though it felt much longer. Here’s what happens during an HSG:
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It all started on January 26, 2016, a date forever etched in my memory. That was the day my dreams, as I knew them, ended and my life, as it is now, began. The morning was quiet, unassuming, but significant in a way I couldn’t have imagined. My partner and I had been undergoing treatment to get pregnant for months. It had been a journey of hope, fear, and countless appointments. That day, I was scheduled for a procedure to check if my fallopian tubes were open.
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The days leading up to tomorrow have been hard, emotionally hard. I’ve been trying to stay afloat, to keep it all together, because life goes on. I wake up in the mornings and go to work, a job I genuinely enjoy going back to. I do the dishes, the laundry, and try my utmost best to manage the household I share with a wonderful husband. I feed Chubby, my sourdough starter, who is both spoiled and stubborn. I keep myself busy, learning new things, creating, doing my best to fill the void. But the harder I try not to think about it, the tears are always just a thought away.
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I often find myself frustrated over things that are not going my way, or the way I thought or expected it to. Some things are just taking too long, some people are just not cooperating, for some reason once again I feel like I’m stuck and whatever I try to do, I just can’t seem to change the current situation. I notice how I start feeling stressed and upset, impatient and start to be unkind not only towards others but also myself. Then it feels like the tip of my nose is almost reaching a very big wall (I’m saying almost because my belly touched the wall first LOL) and I can’t move past this wall, I can only move sideways. And I also do that for some time because maybe I will come across an opening.
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Somewhat 5 years ago I did a 10-day Vipassana meditation course. I have shared about this before in my blog “I am love” https://bunnyyogajourney.com/2019/04/11/i-am-love/#more-368 and I have lived by this ever since. What I did not share back then was what the course did for me in that moment. Probably because it was still too raw for me to share. I’ll see if I’m ready now…
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My boyfriend, (yes I have boyfriend now, I mean manfriend, since he’s not a boy anymore and I’m not a girl, so with that saying I’m his woman and yes I’m flaunting now, because why not, but right focus Sjefi! I haven’t shared much on my blog lately so I felt like I had to introduce him, but yeah I will continue this blog soon enough, as if right now)
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Having another episode of one of those seasons of a reality check called depression. Well let’s start on the bright side. Me writing this is me noticing it and looking it damn straight in the eye, saying ‘You sneaky little piece of the worst version of an unwelcome guest! I see you and I’ll treat you…’
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When I suddenly had to come back home after two years, I knew this was going to be a hard one. I was ready to come back home, but not so ready to actually be home. I knew that I had changed but maybe a lot of what I had left behind had stayed the same. I knew that even though quite impossible, I had to pick back up right where I left off. After a month I still felt restless, like I still hadn’t arrived, so I decided to book a trip to Voltzberg/Raleighvallen, because maybe I had to wash away the beach and the sea with Amazonian fresh water from a sula.
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I feel like I have spent the past seven years grieving. Grieving loved ones who have past away, grieving my unfertilized children I probably will never meet and grieving a life I left behind. And after seven years I’ve come to reach a point that maybe after this long, it has been long enough. I mean, I will for sure never forget the moments I have had with my late niece. By now I have let go of what life would be like if she was still with us. As she has been gone longer than she has been with us, I will always cherish the years we had with her. Forever little and full of faith. Grieving loved ones hasn’t been easy and I’m sure it will never be quite over. And maybe it’s okay like that. To remember them once in a while and honor the time they have spend with us. Think back with a tear and a smile.
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It all started around the same time last year. A mindful meditation upon a full moon. “Pen all your wishes with red ink on yellow paper,” one of my yogini sisters dared us to do, “and meditate upon it on the coming full moon. But be careful what you wish for, `cause you just might get it all and then some you don’t want.” And just like that the lyrics of Chris Daughtry, ‘I’m going home’ were stuck in my head.
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I turned the keys to my apartment as I got home and turned on the lights. The house was a mess. I hadn’t gotten time to tidy up the place for the past days. Clothes were on the kitchen table and on the chair. Documents were all over the living room / kitchen. As soon as I locked the door and the 3 windows, I turned the lights back off. It was a fairly beautiful night to deal with all that mess, the moon was out. The moon, which I smiled at before I came in, a story I will someday share.
As I entered the bedroom and locked the door behind me, the one place I promised myself to keep neat at all times, I laid down on the bed and started texting a friend. Everyday I had another friend or family member either texting or calling. I haven’t really felt alone since I was alone, because of them surrounding me, I was blessed. But as I was speaking to this friend, I desperately was eager to enjoy my own company. This was new, since the relocation, this was the first time I actually mindfully wanted to choose to be alone.
I smiled and excused myself, because I had a more important meeting … a meeting with myself. How rare is this feeling? I decided to take a hot shower and write. After so long, I wanted to write. It probably wasn’t gonna be the book I was wanting to start on, but I was so happy I actually wanted to write again. So I put on some music and as I’m writing this I’m listening to Celine Dion, Because You Loved Me and I couldn’t help but think, “Because I loved me”. As I listened to this song while writing this I replaced all the you’s with I and the song had a whole new meaning.
Really if you have time, put on this song and replace every “you” with “I”. Without being aware of it, I was practicing this for a while. “I am everything I am, because I loved me.” We often search for things outside of us, even love, while all the while everything we are searching for is right here, within us. Relocating got me worried about being all alone in a foreign place, with foreign people. But you know what, I met me. I met a whole different me and she was so interesting, everyday I get more eager to spend time with her.
So all worries aside, I am more me than I have ever been me … As I’m listening to “I Wanna Know” by “Joe” I have this tendency to replace every “you” with “I”. So yes, try it, replace every “you” with “I” and see what happens.
Path To Self Discovery 