I’ll call the first one Mr. Seduction, because that’s exactly what he was: SEDUCTIVE! He was one perfectly sculpted man, the BBB type: Black, Bald and Bearded. And those eyes … those were always undressing me from the moment we met. I met this man in my first year in college. He was a very handsome man. I didn’t have a crush on him, not in a romantic sense. But every time our eyes met, it was as if he was touching me without ever laying a hand on me. His gaze sent chills down my spine, straight into places I didn’t expect. When he looked at me, I felt exposed, like he could see every inch of me, even the parts I wasn’t showing and the thoughts I wasn’t speaking.

Our connection was never emotional, it was purely physical. No not even that, it was just purely sexual. Every time we met, that was all it was, nothing more, nothing less. He knew what I was going through, and he offered sex as solace. And at that time, that was exactly what I needed, a meaningless fling where I could enjoy the act without it being a practice to make a baby. This affair became a distraction from my reality, a quick fix for my pain.

Our affair lasted months, maybe even a few years. It became a habit, a reflex, my go-to escape whenever I felt this pain in my heart to quiet the ache inside. I knew my actions were unfair, that I was hurting people I claimed to love, but I didn’t care then. I just needed something to make the pain stop, the pain I constantly felt, even if only for a little while. It was like I was surviving on this high. I needed this, or at least I thought I did.

I tried to stop several times, I really did, but I always went back. Because as good as it felt in the moment, it always felt worse afterward. I knew it wasn’t real comfort, just another illusion. The few people I told about it, even though they understood my actions, they weren’t proud of them and I was not proud of me either. So that’s when life coaching came on my path. After trying therapy after therapy, one day life coaching knocked on my door. And I thought, what the hell, I have nothing more left to lose.