Sometimes, when your world falls apart, you’re left with only two choices: succumb to the pain or rebel against it. We had just poured the foundation for our dream home. I could already picture it: a house filled with love, laughter, and the chaos of raising four kids. Yes, I wanted four kids. But all those dreams came crashing down in that one doctor’s visit.

Recovering at home from an infection after the procedure, I cried myself to sleep day and night only to wake up to the same nightmare which was my reality. I either wanted to sleep my life away or run from it altogether.

What now? If I can’t be a mother, what am I supposed to do with this life? Motherhood was the goal I’d been working toward my entire life. Study hard? I did that. Get a degree? I was almost there. Find a kind man? He was already by my side. Build a life together? We’d literally laid the foundation for our dream home. That was the plan. And then it was gone.

I was so furious. I had done everything right, followed every rule, lived the good life I was taught to live. And this was my reward? Blocked fallopian tubes and shattered dreams? I felt so numb and detached from myself, the world and everyone else in it. I felt so lonely asif I was the only one going through this.

Lost in my grief, I began to question everything: who I was, what I wanted, and whether the rules I’d lived by even mattered anymore. That’s when Mr. Seduction appeared, a man who had been trying to get me in bed for years. He was persistent, always checking in to see if I was ready for ‘just sex.’ I had always turned him down because I was in a committed relationship, but now? Now I had no fucks left to give, but I couldn’t bring myself to cheat, that still wasn’t me. So, after talking it over with my partner who wasn’t happy about it, we agreed to an open relationship.

After months of trying to conceive, after years of faithful sex filled with hope and purpose, I was done. If I couldn’t have meaningful sex, why not have meaningless sex? It was time to drop the good girl act and embrace the freedom of not caring.

You see when you keep pouring water into a glass that is already full, it overflows. That’s how I felt; overflowing with pain, anger, and frustration. And when you’re in that place, it’s easy to spill that pain onto others. Hurt people hurt people. I didn’t think about the feelings of those around me. My actions weren’t about them, they were all about me.

Looking back, I realize how selfish I was. But in that moment, I was drowning and didn’t know how else to stay afloat. I needed something, anything, to distract me from the unbearable ache in my heart, even if only for a little while. I don’t regret what I did, because it helped me survive. But survival came at a cost. I know I caused pain to people who didn’t deserve it. For that, I am truly sorry.