Having another episode of one of those seasons of a reality check called depression. Well let’s start on the bright side. Me writing this is me noticing it and looking it damn straight in the eye, saying ‘You sneaky little piece of the worst version of an unwelcome guest! I see you and I’ll treat you…’

It’s the feeling sad all the time while you have so much to be happy about but having the greatest difficulty of choosing happiness over sadness. The constant need for crying cause the reasons to, just keep on adding and when it stops, this pounding headache is the next thing to cry about. Not excited anymore to do what you love, because what sense does it make when it seems like life just doesn’t give you a break. Cancelling plans, shutting off everyone, if needed even strike a fight because well those people just don’t get it, that what you’re going through really feels like it’s the worst thing that could happen. And of course, I know, it’s not.

Apparently I was good at pokerfacing the first time around, because you need to be strong for all the world to see and nobody should have to know about the challenges or failures you are going through. Cause that’s what we have been remotely taught, smile … So hurt yourself some more, physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever works for you. You deserve it, cause you’re worthless. Just make sure you keep on smiling and be strong for all the world to see. All I wanted to do was all bad things I could possibly think of varied with wanting to sleep my life away.

The second time was slightly different. Also sad a lot, victimized behaviour, pessimistic, lots of crying, being selfish, turning down friends, not doing fun stuff anymore, but being very loud and expressive about it to rather enjoy being miserable. This calls for comments of being weak and too much. ‘Because it’s not that bad at all. Stop complaining and start being grateful’ While all I wanna do is leave, leave everyone and everything behind because y’all just don’t get it. Except for the ones who did, those who didn’t take it personally, those who understood I needed the space and those who kept on checking up on me.

The hard part is hosting this unwelcome guest. The easy part is kindly escorting it out. Sometimes it does feel like the other way around, especially when you like entertaining your loneliness by yourself and staying in your comfort zone. Because these so called guests, O how good are they at feeding your thoughts the most useless information, you for whatsoever reason find so useful to keep on carrying and as a bonus turn them into feelings and emotions, the full package. But since y’all not paying rent and my mental health can’t afford hosting you any longer. No thanks for the visit, you have to pack your bags, all your belongings and get out and leave!