I will never find another lover sweeter than you, sweeter than you

And I will never find another lover more precious than you, more precious than you

These are the first words to the song we have called our song for all of our existence as a couple. He decided on the day that he confessed his love for me that this was going to be our song. And it was, we danced to it every time it came on and it has always felt like that very first time on February 15th, 2002. Until I decided to leave him in November 2018, which I didn’t do without the achiest ache in my beautiful heart.

We already had a two year break up on record, so at first it looked like maybe this was just history repeating itself, but no this time it felt different. This time I wanted to want to stay so much, I wanted to love him so much, I wanted to be loved so much. And I tried, we tried, but every single energy in my body was urging me to leave. It was awful to be wanting to want to stay, but not wanting to. It was like my mind, body and soul were unaligned. And as much as I tried to align my soul to my mind and body, this time was one time to many.

I left with no reason I could possibly explain to anyone, because how do you leave someone you have been with half your life who you still dearly love? One does not do that, whatever reason it is that you want to leave, if you still love that person, you work through it. But my stubborn soul was eating away from the inside the longer I stayed. My infertility did start to have something to do with it. And as much I want to understandably explain myself, I really just couldn’t and still can’t. It’s like I had to choose between loving him and loving me. For me, loving him, I wanted to stay, but it hurt me and not hurting meant leaving.

In the two years ever since, I have come to find that you can love someone from a distance. That sometimes the best way to love someone is letting them go. I used to hope that someday we would find our way back to each other, but now I just hope he finds his way with or without me and so do I. I have never regretted a single moment with him. If any I’m not sad it’s over, I’m just happy we had the chance to happen twice.

I will never find another lover sweeter than you, sweeter than you

And I will never find another lover more precious than you, more precious than you

But I do hope someday I will …