It was the last day of this wonderful journey within me I’d just taken. I was more nervous than ever to turn back home, to what was supposed to be the old and familiar. After sharing ten days of complete silence with total strangers, this environment felt more familiar and safe than the one I knew before this. I could feel my feelings bubbling up as the time to go home neared. Everyone was eager to go home so it seemed, except for me. But this was the real test! This was going to be the actual practice … In real life.

Ten days of complete silence, for me, was extraordinary. I will never be able to properly describe what that has felt like. I went through so much pain physically from sitting in meditation for 11 hours a day. It was complete torture, at some point I cried for hurting myself like that. But at the same time, I experienced the wonderful art of “This too shall pass”. At first I cried a whole lot as sitting in meditation with your eyes closed brings up lots of memories, feelings and emotions. I cried so much that at some point I literally laughed at myself for being this silly. And yes I did the well known “Sjefi-laugh” while everyone else was in complete silence.

Boredom? Boredom has never been this hard on me. I wanted to move my body so bad, dance or run around in the rain, do some yoga. I was fighting so much I finally gave in and just enjoyed the stillness of the moment and do absolutely nothing but breathe and exist. When I allowed this to happen, it was so peaceful I wanted to stay in it forever. Be aware of the breath and enjoy the littlest things all around you like the grass under your feet, the sound of the wind through the leaves of the tree, the taste of plain water in your mouth and throat. These micro sensations suddenly were very noticable, I was NOT ready for the big ones.

And then I saw my sister. I had not expected her to come pick me up. And as the oldest one, I always had to be brave. That’s just how I worked. Always there for everyone else, handling my issues when I was alone in the dark. The real emotional bomb came when I saw my little brother, I was not as brave as I had trained myself to be. I burst in tears realizing that all the while I was there for everyone else, maybe now is the time to let them be there for me. Maybe, just maybe, for once when I need it most I can break and be broken.

I had been questioning the “I am” for so long. In this exact moment I felt that I am love. All the love I had to give all those years of my existence, I felt radiating back to me. In the same intensity I always was giving it. It was so powerful nothing else mattered as I AM LOVE.