As I’ve been getting to know myself a little better and also allowing myself bits and pieces to be unconditionally me, I’ve noticed a trend. The more I show myself to the world, to the people I know, the people who thought knew me for the mask I’ve been wearing till so far, the smaller my circle gets. And at first I was surprised on how people reacted to this truthfully me, the people I thought would stay, went as quickly as they got to know the other side of me. And the people who I thought would leave, stayed through my growing pains.

It used to make me so sad, hurt and angry. There were days I would feel so depressed and confused for not having these people around anymore, for those days are not yet over. And other days I would still try but nonetheless. I would ask myself, maybe I should’ve stayed with the beautiful lies instead of the ugly truth. Maybe I shouldn’t have wiped all the made-up happiness off my face, maybe I shouldn’t have let out all the sadness and pain.  Maybe, just maybe if I could be this person everyone thought I was before, my circle would be still complete. But I’m not!

As I was consciously thinking and thinking about it, this was me. Now and in this moment, and it might just be a beautiful figure or an ugly personality. I was here, because I needed to go past this stop to travel further ahead. As I was forced to be with myself, I realized there was no one who was gonna accept me fully if not for myself. I was on my own here, I needed to listen and talk to myself at the same time.

And often times I find myself treegazing, thinking how it’s me and a tree and how it used to be me and a friend. I could choose to be sad that I was alone or choose to be free with the tree. Right there in these moments I know there was no need to be sad, hurt or angry for not having people around who used to be. I would still love them and accept that maybe my part in their life was either temporarily or permanently over. And that would be okay, cause at the end I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore. I could be me, in this moment, fully and consciously, accepting ugly lies and allowing beautiful truths.